- Leave your new and to be planted baby tree out in the drying sun and wind. Speed up the process by exposing the roots. Scorch and scald
- Plant your baby tree but do not add water. Speed up the process by adding fertilizer. Skip the water
- Fertilize your tree often by doubling the recommended rate (especially during dry conditions). Let 'em eat
- Bang your tree with a lawnmower or rip trunk apart with a weed trimmer. Visible bark damage is the key. Bump and bang
- Use your car to tap, firmly, the tree bark (and remember that tree roots just hate cars parking on top of them). Park and tap
- Prune your tree way back, leaving less than 2/3 of the live crown. Prune with zest
- Pave the ground above the tree roots. Pack and pave
- Use and store chemicals and other toxic materials over the root zone. Nuke the root zone
- Invite construction crews in to work around the tree and, by all means, let them trench. Dig a trench
- Use your tree as a utility pole for fences, mailboxes, deer stands, electric lights, etc. Create a living utility pole
- To insure all of the steps above eventually work, plant for your tree under or near a powerline.
- Stake the young tree tightly and leave wire until the tree trunk or limbs grow over it.
- Never, please, never mulch around your tree.